I CANT COME UP WITH A GOOD TITLE!!!!!

When I was a kid, I used to watch a lot of TV. I know.......shocker. I'm sure I'm no different than many of you all used to be. I loved the normal TV shows like Dukes of Hazzard, A-Team, Miami Vice (I had the Miami Vice jacket with the rolled up sleeves and, damn it, I was cool as hell). I liked the sitcoms like Alf, Punky Brewster, Facts of Life, Mr. Belvidere, Who's the Boss(Alyssa Milano was perhaps the hottest girl on 80's TV and dont even try to tell me otherwise)......I could go on and on but I'm sure nobody is paying attention anymore because you are all re-living your love of 80's sitcoms right now. I'm not sure if this is cool or sad, but I was pretty much able to name every show on the major TV channels for Monday thru Friday from 7 to 10pm. I know, I'm cooler than you were when I was a kid.

As much as I liked to watch "normal" TV, I LOVED to watch cartoons when I was a kid. I mean, who doesn't watch cartoons when they were a kid, right? Well, maybe all those Chinese kids making my comfortable tennis shoes, but let's not get into that issue right now. I was a big fan of The Flintstones, Scooby Doo, He-Man, The Smurfs and Rainbow Brite (screw you, I'm not afraid to admit it).

I bring all this pointless drivel (drivel means childish, silly, or meaningless talk or thinking nonsense----now you can use it in conversation tomorrow!!!)up because I was watching the Cartoon Network the other day and came away with one thought: THE CARTOONS TODAY SUCK ASS!!!!! Other than Spongebob Squarepants, they are all worthless crap. Seriously, here are some of the names I found on http://www.cartoonnetwork.com/: Generator Rex, Ben 10 Ultimate Alien and The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack. You know why kids are shooting each other in schools now? Because of this garbage. They are so disappointed in their cartoons, they have nothing better to do but go on shooting rampages*.

*I know, I'm being pretty short sighted (I questioned myself if this was the right adjective so I looked it up and according to dictionary.com short-sighted means: lacking in foresight: a shortsighted plan. Thank you Internet!!!!) looking into the minds of demented little freak kids, but there's got to be some truth to it.......

Anyway, I was actually thinking about some of my old cartoon favorites today in the car on my drive back from beautiful Marshfield WI. The more I thought about cartoons of the early 80's, I kept trying to equate them to todays world and, well, the result isn't pretty. Take, for instance, The Flintstones. In hindsight, it was just a hard working, big strong man with a bad temper who hated his job and boss and was married to an attractive, natural redhead (don't ask me how I know if she was a natural redhead, I just know. wink wink). Today, this kind of couple in a cartoon or TV show would never work anymore. It would be the equivalent of this:

Admit it, you wouldn't want to watch a cartoon or sitcom where John Goodman is married to Marisa Miller either!!!!!

I used to love Scooby Doo (and his wacky friends!!!) too. Back then, I never would have even thought about how much weed Shaggy and Scooby were smoking in the back of that van on a regular basis. Today, it's the only thing I think about when I see Shaggy on TV. Just last week, he was on the Todays Show and.....just kidding, Shaggy on the Todays Show would just be silly!!! The odd thing is that Shaggy was skinny like a beanpole. In todays world, we all know that this would never happen as Shaggy would be 400lbs from eating entire pizzas and whole boxes of twinkies from getting stones to bejesus on an hourly basis. Also, in todays world, there is no way the FCC would let the cartoon executives keep such an obvious lesbian on the air like the character that Velma portrayed. Take a look at this picture and just try to argue against my notion that she liked the ladies:

Completely obvious, right!!!!

And, if kids these days are smart enough to watch some show called, Ben 10 Ultimate Alien, they sure as shit are smart enought to figure out that Fred was TOTALLY hooking up with that slut Daphne. Just look at her with her little mini-skirt, long flowing hair, plump lips and perky breasts.......Yikes, perhaps I need to see a shrink because I just realized I may have had quite a crush on Daphne!!!

Finally, and this is where I might lose some of you due to boredom or the fact that you think I'm a complete moron, but I was a big Smurfs fan. I was actually a Smurf for Halloween one year. I tried to find a picture of how "neat" I looked, but gave up after searching for 3 seconds on Google. Anyway, I've always wondered something about The Smurfs: HOW MANY OF THE MALE SMURFS DID SMURFETTE HOOK UP WITH!?!?!!?!? I mean, there was ONE female smurf for all those males smurfs!!!! She had her pick of the entire village at any given time. This is like being the only hot girl in an office of nerdy engineers or accountants. She just knows she can play them all like a fiddle and get anything she wants. (sorry to any accountant or engineers out there, I'm sure you can all pull mad ass on a regular basis and if you can't, it will be our little secret ;-) ). Anywho, the Smurfs would never make it in todays world. Some crazy, conservative female activist group would NEVER allow a show with all men and only one woman on it. I think this is sad because every smart man knows that Smurfette was really running that place due to being the only one with a nice set of breasts but these women activists groups choose to ignore this fact completely. Just sad.

Ugh, I just re-read that last paragraph and I think I might need some professional help. Oh well.

In closing, it's been a week since my last blog posting due to the long Memorial Day weekend and from the emails/texts and comments I'm getting it would seem like the world was coming to an end!!!! It's nice to know that I make your day!!!