EAT BERTHA'S MUSSELS!!!!

Two things happened this week that made me extremely happy:

First thing: This is a double whammy in a good way---American Idol is over and Simon Cowell is no longer going to be in the mainstream TV circuit for a while. I hate this guy. One might think that it's because he's a condescending, arrogant, elitist, jerk, smug, mean, pompous, boorish, English (that's right, I went there) and just a downright awful person.......and if you thought that, you would be wrong. I hate him because he looks like this:




The guy is a complete and utter tool. He's worth, like, a gazillion dollars and that's the best haircut he can come up with??? Seriously? He looks like he gets his hair cut at Supercuts (I didn't go with Great Clips because they are decent in a pinch) or tried to cut it himself, which is never a good thing to try. Just trust me. Please.

Simon also has some kind of fetish with not buttoning up his shirt all the way and revealing a lot of chest hair. Side note: The only person that I think can successfully pull this look off right now, besides me, is Bradley Cooper. He's my new man-crush, replacing George Clooney. After The Hangover, I knew it was time to switch it up. My only concern, and it's a big one, is that he's dating Renee Zellweger. He can do sooooooooooo (deep breath)0000000000 much better than RENEE ZELLWEGER. At least Clooney only dates/sleeps with hot women. My hope is that Cooper is only using her for some kind of career advantage. Although, I'm not sure what she could possibly bring to the table. Of course, she did also sleep with my other man-idol, Kenny Chesney, so maybe she's good at a lot of things I don't know about. I'm talking about in the bedroom, in case you were wondering what I meant. I know you were all thinking the same thing, too. Don't pretend like you weren't.

I can't believe I just spent the last 2 minutes writing about my man-crush on Bradley Cooper.

Where was I.....oh ya, my deep hatred of American Idol and Simon Cowell. Now that SC is done with the show, and the ratings have plummeted in recent years, and they haven't put out a good "idol" since Carrie Underwood....what's the point of this show? I guess this goes with my "I hate 99.9999% of all reality TV shows" mantra. Until February of this year(oddly coinciding with my move to Minneapolis....hhhhmmmm) I never watched any reality TV show. I think they are dumb and boring. I don't want to watch someone else's real life when mine is good enough to blog about.

There are only a few good/watchable reality shows on TV: Amazing Race, Dego Housewives of New Jersey* and Dego's living together in a beach house in New Jersey*. Amazing Race is great because it would be completely bad ass to go around the world and try to do those things without actually, physically killing your significant other in the process. Housewives is only good because it's a COMPLETE train wreck of women hating each other. These women are either 1)crazy or 2)stupid. It's just completely mind boggling how I keep watching it and how it stays on the air. Talk about OPP!!!!(other peoples problems--thank you Naughty by Nature) Jersey Shore is an entire blog posting all together and I'm not going there today.

*not the real name of the show. Dego is slang for "smelly, dirty, greasy Italian" which most of the women and men on these shows are.


I tried to watch The Bachelorette, but I couldn't get past the guys interviews at the beginning of the show. Be honest, if you had a guy friend that was on that show and he came across as a complete dumbass/idiot in the interview process on national TV, wouldn't you cross him off your "friends" list immediately? Yet, apparently, this must be popular with the ladies because this is about the 37th season it's been on the air.

The second thing that made my week: As I've mentioned before, I have a thing for funny billboards and bumper stickers. On my way home from Madison (which, as usual, did not disappoint) I saw a little green POS car with a bumper sticker that simply said, "EAT BERTHA'S MUSSELS". That's it. No address. No phone number. No picture. Nothing. I was both laughing and sad at the same time. Who the hell is Bertha and why are HER mussels soooo good that they have their own bumper sticker? I Googled it (I have a little free time at work, so sue me) and came to find out that it's a bar/restaraunt in Baltimore Maryland. It actually heralds itself as being famous for this bumper sticker. Who would have thought.....

You are all a little dumber for having just read that last paragraph. You're welcome.

HAVE A GREAT LONG MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND!!! GO CUBS AND BLACKHAWKS!!!!!

Weather Schmeather....

I moved to Minneapolis in February of this year after having "visited" for the previous 16 months. I've seen a couple winters, a summer, fall and spring.....basically, I consider myself an expert on the weather in Minnesota. I mean, what's not to know: a little snow, a little cold, a little wind, some frostbite on the testes when walking the dog, a towed car due to being on the wrong side of the street.....

Also, if you've seen the weather people on the nightly news here, you would understand that the hiring process goes like this: 1) Interview a monkey who barely speaks English and eats flea's off his fur or 2)Interview a poorly dressed guy who makes extremely awkward small talk. Then, they negotiate between the two to see who will take the lower salary AND THATS HOW THEY PICK THEIR WEATHER PEOPLE HERE.

Anyway, back to this "awful" spring weather I was supposed to be anticipating. When I moved here, I was told to expect an awful spring with the possibility of snow up to and including, May. I heard the phrase, "I guarantee that it will snow during the NCAA tournament"...I heard, "you'll never be able to go naked sunbathing during April". In all actuality, here is what Minnesota has looked like since the end of January:

I've actually heard or read these comments this spring:

A. "95 degrees in May in Minnesota. Whats going on here!!!"
B. "I'm sitting on the porch drinking scotch and smoking a cigar. Spring in Minnesota"

C. "OMG. It's sooo nice in Minnesota in spring. LOL. TTYL"

D. "Travis, you make spring in Minnesota feel like a massage from a Swedish bikini model"

E. "F*ck, it's hot out there. I'm done going outside for the day."

Only one of these are made up. Seriously.

Of course, it's "C".....nobody uses OMG and TTYL in the same sentence anymore. Duh. (who came up with the saying "Duh"? real genius, there. however, it does sound a lot better saying it than writing it on a very awesome blog."

"E" is what my dog said to me yesterday...I think. For some reason she's speaking in French and I don't speak French. One of us is going to have to change and she usually wins.

I don't want to jump to conclusions, but, awful springs when Travis doesn't live here.....amazing springs when Travis does live here. I'm just saying.....

Here is proof that, as all Minnesotans think, God loves Minnesota more than other places: The Twins opened a new outdoor baseball stadium this spring. I know, most sane people would think, "AN OPEN AIR STADIUM?!?!!? ARE YOU FREAKING CRAZY??? THIS IS MINNESOTA AND IT SNOWS IN MAY AND AUGUST" but they went ahead and built a non-retractable roof stadium anyway. However, God gave them an extremely beautiful stadium (nicest I've ever been too, with Busch stadium a very very close second). A first place team and only ONE cancelled game....due to rain. No snow outs or games cancelled due to a blizzard, like one would have expected.

It's either God loves the great people of Minnesota, or he's got a sinister side and thinks, "Let them enjoy their outdoor spring baseball because they'll never be playing in October again."

I'm pretty sure that's his thought process with Cubs fans.....Why do you mock us Cubs fans, God? Why?

Finally, I'm traveling to the great Wisconsin cities of Appleton, Fond du lac and Madison the next couple days for work. Here is a fun fact of trivia for everyone: Travis has never been drunk in two of these cities before. Can you name which two? (hint: it's not Madison, which I can barely remember because it's the best Big Ten city on the planet and they basically implant an IV of alcohol in your arm when you enter the city for a football game).

I'm back....calm down, folks. The rioting can stop.

I like TV. No, I love TV----commercials, infomercials, cartoons......It's always been there for me when others haven't. It never complains about me picking up clothes or that I drink too much or that I'm too awesome. It's just there. Even now that I probably spend more time on the internet "researching" things, I still do it while in front of the TV.

With that said, I hate all the cop drama shows on TV. Which normally wouldn't be an issue(I hate lots of stuff) except that there are no less than 97 cop shows on TV at any given time. I do need to clarify that I like REAL cop shows that discuss current or past cases. If you haven't seen Gangland, you're really missing out on a good show. By now, you may be thinking, "Where the hell is this going?".......JUST HOLD YOUR HORSES, I'M GETTING THERE. (hold your horses--what the hell does that even mean....)

I always think it's funny when they show a real suspect/gang member/undercover FBI agent/Witness Protection Plan person and they try to blur out their face so that someone who really wants to kill them won't know who it is......I mean, C'MON. Most of the times it's sooooo obvious who the person is behind that dark circle. I can just imagine a bunch of thug gangbangers sitting back and saying, "That's obviously that punk snitch Reggie. Let's go burn down his mothers house and then go get some 40'os of cheap beer." (I don't need any comments on my obvious stereotyping either).

I liken this to when I read some article in a magazine or paper (yes, I read. Don't act so surprised) and they post something crazy/awful/embarrassing about someone and then use a fake name and put an asterick behind the name and say "not their real name". Well, noooo shit. Once, just once, I wish someone would write, "*for the record, this is their actual name. I know, they are stupid for sleeping with their cousin and you should sever all ties with this person. His name is Jon Smith and he lives at 135 Ivy Court". Actually, this is absolutely nothing like blurring out the face on a TV show, but it's my blog and I can write whatever I want.

Back to wonderful TV........I hate Drew Carey hosting the Price is Right, too. Nothing much to add here, just that he's absolutely awful and I'm going to chose NOT to spay or neuter my pets now just because he tells me too.

I am really tired of all the sexual enhancement drug commercials. I don't have an issue with the drugs, it's the commercials that royally suck (Keep making the drugs---I'm pushing 34 and don't know how much longer I can be a porn star in bed). I don't know about you, but I've never been aroused by sitting in separate bathtubs on the beach at dusk. Frankly, I think that's a little creepy. Imagine saying or hearing, "Honey, I'm horny. Lets go sit in the separate bathtubs I put on the beach." You may be hearing from a divorce attorney pretty soon if that's your idea of turning on your significant other.

The drug commercials that show old men having to pee all the time suck too. These drug companies basically PRINT money and this is the best crap their high priced marketing companies can come up with??? I actually tried to come up with a commercial in my head about old men not having to pee so much, but I couldn't. The I went and showered for 45 minutes to get the grossness off of me.

Finally, I love infomercials. People always find this weird and I can't really pinpoint WHY I love infomercials. I mean, the only time they are on is REALLY early or REALLY late which means I'm only watching them because I'm either up late from drinking or up super early because my precious dog had to go outside at 3:30 and I couldn't fall back asleep. Maybe I like them because their sole job is to make my life easier or better (which would be hard because my life is pretty awesome) . From the cleaning tools to the devices that make your cooking life turn from crappy to amazing, they are great. The best ones are the workout infomercials. I'm not going to lie----I have 4% body fat and don't really need to work out. Really, I only watch them because they put amazingly hot women in the infomercials. I'm convinced it's not the fatties that are/should be watching the work out infomercials, it's the guys who are up because they just got home from the bar and turned on the TV.

I guess I could go further and assume it's the ugly guys who just got home from the bar because, obviously, if they had any game they wouldn't be coming home alone and watching hot girls on work out infomercials........now I feel like a loser for watching work out infomercials. Great. Just great.

KICKBALL UPDATE

Just as I suspected.....I'm STILL an animal at kickball. 3-4, 4 RKI (runs kicked in), no errors and a couple putouts.

My team lost last week 11-2, but I didn't play. This week, I played and we won 14-0.......hhhhmmmm, coincidence, I think not.

In the other teams defense, I am an amazing athlete so they didn't really stand a chance.

Hello People!!!

I saw two things today that I never dreamed I would see on a Wednesday. Friday, I could see this happening......but not a Wednesday. No Way.

1) I saw a sign today that said, "WE BUY NEW AND USED ACCORDIONS". First all, how can this place buy new accordions? If I was an accordion sales person I would be all over this place!!! I then thought, "I have never met or even seen a person play the accordion." There just can't be that many used accordions just sitting around.

The real kicker is that this sign was on the side of an old White Castle building.....that is now a converted jewelry store. This, of course, brings up a whole new set of questions: namely, who could have POSSIBLY thought, "hey, I think it's a great idea to start a jewelry store in an abandoned White Castle."

2)I drive a lot for work and see a lot of bumper stickers that make me either laugh or think, "I hope that person gets a flat tire for being dumb enough to put that on their junky car". Today though....today was different. I saw one that made me stop walking across the parking lot and stare at this cars bumper. It read: WHAT WOULD JESUS BOMB?

I was dumbfounded by this. It was obviously a play on the "WWJD" bracelets, but I couldn't figure out who, if anyone, Jesus would want to bomb. (maybe the New York Yankees, which would be fantastic) Then, I couldn't figure out what kind of person puts a "WHAT WOULD JESUS BOMB" bumper sticker on their car. I was truly perplexed. (perplexed was my dictionary.com email word of the day). There really isn't much more to this story and I'm pissed at myself for not taking a picture to post for you. If anyone has any clue what the heck "WHAT WOULD JESUS BOMB" means, I'm all ears. Although, I may be a little weirded out(technical term) that one of my friends knows what that may mean.

I didn't see these today, but my two favorite billboards ALWAYS makes me laugh when I pass them. One is of a ladies crotch in a swimsuit that says, "Tired of Shaving?" and another that says, "Smile, your mother didn't believe in abortion." I actually tried to take a picture of the crotch billboard, but almost took out myself and four other cars in doing so. Who knows, maybe one of those cars would have had the WHAT WOULD JESUS BOMB bumper sticker!!!

I got a bit of bad news today, though. I found out today that Geico has decided to drop the guy who does the voice overs for the Gecko and are no longer going to use the Gecko as their mascot. While this is normally not a big deal, I purposely CHOSE Geico because of that gecko. I have a thing for talking animals and, well, this one also had an English accent so it was really a no-brainer for me. I didn't even care that they weren't the cheapest.....they had the coolest damn mascot and that was what most important. Time to start looking for new auto insurance and you all know of my hatred for the Progressive lady. What a pain in the butt.....

Last bit of news----I'm playing in a kickball league tonight for the first time since grade school. I was, frankly, the king of the diamond in kick ball and I'm pretty sure that will be true tonight. I'm thinking I go 4-4, with 3 RKI (runs kicked in) and probably throw out 4 base runners. Apparently the team stinks as they got crushed by 11 runs last week. So, if I guide them to victory, I will fully expect to be carried off the field on their shoulders. I'll post a picture of that!!!!

Day 2...(drum rolls)(travis walks in) (crowd applauds)

I had a flight today that required me to wake up at 3:45 this morning....I know what you are thinking, "It's a good thing he doesn't need his beauty sleep"....but, I digress...

Actually, I did have a thought that made me laugh 20 seconds after I woke up. My bedroom allows more light than God has ever made in history into the room and, thus, grass could grow on the floor if it was planted correctly. After the alarm on my trusty cell phone went off (who uses alarm clocks anymore?!!!!?? Oh, you do? Loser.) I rubbed my eyes, noticed that that it was pitch black and that there was absolutly no sound---no girlfriend snoring, no dogs snoring, no cat purring and, even more importantly to this story, NO BIRDS CHIRPING. I sh*t you not, I actually thought to myself, "Hmmmmm.....the early bird actually does get the worm." Then I laughed out loud. (that's LOL to you people older than 35----you know who you are). I thought of that in the shower and was still laughing at the thought of a bird setting a cell phone (again, this is a cool bird and he says, "alarm clocks are for geisers") and then getting up to go collect worms while all the lazy worms slept.

I've been up since 3:45 this morning. I drank at the Milwaukee airport. I had "a" cocktail on the plane. For some reason, this thought still amuses me. If you aren't laughing at this, you've got major issues.

On another note, I have had the discussion with a very good friend of mine on the subject of having children in First Class (I capitalized "f & c" and I don't know why) on an airplane. I am extremely opposed to having children in first class because I feel that this is a sanctuary for older people (one of the few left on earth.....other than most bars. Thankfully.) and small children should not be allowed. This, of course, does not usually go over well with parents (mothers) and I often have to explain myself with something like, "Oh no, it's not YOUR kids that I mind....." But, in all honesty, I think that if you pay to sit in first class, than you should be able to enjoy your bigger seat, first boarding status, free drinks, and the thought of "I'm better than the schmucks in the back".....that's just the way it goes. So sue me if you don't agree.

Until today. I have had a change of heart. Kinda. My flight back had me sitting in the row behind first class. (I could still smell their farts, so I know that the upper class's sh*t still stinks.) Today, there was a lady with a small child (boy, if that matters to anyone) who was sitting across from me. I had my entire row free, which was nice and made me feel like I beat the system---Travis 1, Delta 0. Her child was kinda fussy before take off and then, about 10 minutes into the flight, let loose on on something he wasn't happy about. (He was only 10 months old so I'm assuming it was regarding the Obama Healthcare plan)

Today was different, though, for me. I didn't feel the need to huff loudly, or glare at the mother or even order another double vodka soda to dull the pain of hearing Jr. scream........and then it hit me: this was different because the kid was cute and the mother was semi-hot. I was, in a sense, giving this kid and his mother a pass because they were attractive. For some reason, this made me feel dirty.

Not dirty like, "I just went to the K-Mart" but dirty in the sense that I was judging others actions based upon their appearance. I mean, I do this all the time when I'm drunk, but that's just joking around (unless it's a table of 20 truely ugly women, than that's another story. This ACTUALLY happened last Saturday and I have witnesses. Admit it, have you EVER seen an entire table of ugly people? No, of course not. It's near impossible)

My friends kids are adorable. I mean, absolutely amazingly adorable like the kids you see in magazines and think, "those kids don't actually exist". After todays flight, I don't think I can look at another kid on a plane and think, " I wonder if I opened this big door, would they fly out".

Ladies and gentlemen, Travis is growing up. Can you feel that? Hell is freezing over. I know, it sucks.

My last thought of the day......

I woke up this morning (at 3:45 remind you) and thought, "what kind of complete idiot flies to Milwaukee at 5:30.....there is nothing in Milwaukee to see this early"....this was after laughing at my early bird worm gathering thoughts, of course..... Anyway, I get to the airport AND MY FLIGHT WAS PACKED!!!! I about fell over. After a very large iced coffee (it was almost 70 degrees this morning and I sweat when on planes when I drink coffee---don't judge me) I came to the conclusion that this is who flies to Milwaukee at 5:30 am on a Tuesday morning:

1) assorted business men (I use this term extremely loosely)
2) old people who are used to getting up at 3:30 am every morning to go the bathroom
and....drumroll.....
3)Priceline cheapsters.....these are the people SOOOOO cheap that they pick the "name your own price" on Priceline and end up getting the 5:30 flights to hell, ie...Milwaukee. Think, college students, druggies and hippies and people headed to Vegas for a bachelor/bachelorette party.

I thought I saw a couple that hadn't been to bed yet from the night before. We've all done this---"let's go the bar, drink until 3:30 and then take a cab to the airport for our flight."

I'm not judging these people. I was actually both jealous of them and a little sad that I was already up qne getting on that 5:30 flight to Milwaukee.

Respectfully,
Travis

Well, hello there!!!

I've decided to create a blog because, frankly, I'm usually right----ney, ALWAYS RIGHT---about most things in life and society in general. Like, I hate the annoying girl from the Progressive commercials. If you don't hate her too, then you are wrong about your feelings. I also hate the Osbournes. Sharon and Ozzy. The kids too, who have done nothing to be famous other than being born to moronic parents.

I started this blog because I'm not sure why other people would want to read about my life or the lives of others that blog. I mean, I'm not famous like Tiger Woods(I still find Tiger enthralling.....get divorced already so you can finally start winning tournaments again and make the other 90% of golf fans happy about the PGA again)

I honestly don't know how blogging works as I've never actually read a blog. I don't even know if my friends can reply and refute my awesomeness, but I'm looking forward to seeing how this goes down. I'm not really even sure how to get back to this page once I hit "PUBLISH POST".

My girlfriend is also adamently against this, so that makes it even that much more worthwhile. The words, "You don't even know how to start a blog" will sting, won't they??

I figure, if people can start a blog about their life and show updates about their kids going to the bathroom, I can find at LEAST three people to read MY blog. I hope.

I think that the word, "Tweeting" is stupid too. There, I said it.