Under Promise and Over Deliver

I realize that it's been quite a while since I've posted anything on my blog. So long, in fact, that I forgot the login and had to go through the PITA (pain in the ass) process of trying to figure it out with the very simple Google instructions. By "simple" I mean "stupid".

I was reading some of my past postings and I realized something. Something very important and could change the way I look at life going forward. Something so big, that I had to stop drinking my coffee, take a deep breath, sit back and think, "Wow, I really suck."

I realized that I'm all talk. Seriously. There hasn't been one thing that I've actually followed through with on these blogs. I was going to buy a bike to ride. Didn't happen. I was going to interview a doctor. Yup--didn't happen. I was going to interview a gay couple. Didn't happen. But, in my defense, every time I'm with those guys we usually just end up drinking and I forget. Also, in my defense, I literally despise bike riding so me buying a bike may have been more of pipe dream than anything else. I can't think of any other activity that wants me to let my car drift into them on the road.

I joined the gym to get in shape and lose weight. I've been 4 times in 4 months. That's $50 a visit or, roughly $1.50 a minute that I'm there. I actually lost my gym card AT THE GYM and just said "forget it" and left the gym even though I knew the card was under the treadmill I was jogging 20 miles on. Sorry. I meant 2 miles. And I wasn't jogging. I was walking. Don't judge me.

A couple months ago, I put together a monthly budget to track where I was spending my money and try to actually, you know, save some of it. Many of you know that I spend money like it's going out of style. Not lots of money on big things, but lots of money on small things. And by small things, I mean alcohol and bar bills. I was all set with my new budget (which was just a rough guesstimate entered into an Excel spreadsheet) (don't get me started on the new Excel format either...I hate it. Bring back the older ones) and told myself, "Okay, self, you are only going to spend $150 a week on alcohol/bar bills" and thought I could easily stick to that. I mean, only alcoholics can't do that. Of course, I gave up on the budget after about 3 days and forgot about it entirely. Just this morning, I looked at my online banking statement and July's entries were 7 pages of charges!!!! I tried adding up the amount of money I spent on going out/drinking and I had to give up.....my calculator wouldn't go that high. I was, for 7 seconds, disappointed in myself.

Where was I going with this....oh ya.....my ability to not follow through with anything. I'm sitting here thinking what I can do about this. Here is what I've come up with: NOTHING. I think that instead of posting false promises, I'm going to just be honest and let people down. Am I going to workout? No. Will I buy a bike to fit in with 97% of the Minnesota population? Never. Will I take the time to interview a doctor about Obama's medical program? No, I won't because I know he hates reform. I may still interview my gay friends, though, but only because they are a riot and it would be fun. I don't even remember what I was going to interview them about.

I believe the saying is "under promise and over deliver". If I always disappoint people, I'll look like a hero if/when I actually come through with something. It's the mantra that the Cubs live by. And Bears. And Bulls. And Illini. The White Sox are trash and don't count.

So, here I am....the new and drastically under-improved Travis. Be prepared to be disappointed. Again, don't judge me. You know what...go ahead and judge me all you want. I could care less.

Okay, on to things that have bugged the shit out of me recently.

There is only one and it's this saga with Brett Favre. I think I would like Brett the guy. He comes across as someone that would be fun to hang out with and get drunk on a Tuesday afternoon. And, we all know he has a nice little pain killer addiction so he would be fun to swap drugs with. Just kidding!!!! We all know I don't swap drugs with anyone. Especially people from Mississippi.

I know, I know....this is like the 10th time he's retired and came back, but I just don't get the point of all the hoopla (hoopla is a stupid word) this time with him coming back. The news stations in Minneapolis actually had helicopters hovering over the medical clinic he went too take his physical to return to the Vikqueens. They did nothing but hover and showed nothing but the building. I think it would have been funny if someone played a joke and wheeled Favre out on a gurney and put him in an ambulance. The state would have come to a stop. Seriously. And I have a friend that I could have said, "I TOLD YOU SO", which would have given me some satisfaction.

Thank God he's going to have every defensive lineman in the league diving at his ankle and trying to take him out. This way, I'll only have to see him for like 2 games in the regular season before the Vikings have to start Tavaris Jackson. And then the Bears can dominate the NFC.

Hey, a guy can dream.

Finally, is there anything better than sitting on the couch on a Saturday morning, not being hungover, having a nice cup of coffee, relaxing and reading the news? No, there isn't. Don't even try to come up with something better because you will be wrong and look dumb. Or dumber, depending on who is doing the thinking. Wait....I've come up with something else that would be better. Sitting on the couch, having a cup of coffee, relaxing AND HAVING COLLEGE GAMEDAY ON THE TELEVISION. Now, that would be better. Only a couple more weeks people until college football starts!!!! WAR EAGLE!!!!

Anybody that knows me knows that I am not big on exercise. At all. I can honestly recall running only once in the past month. That was to make it to the bar before the end of the 7th inning at the Twins game last Friday so that I could get alcohol for the remaining two innings. (don't judge me. I have my priorities straight)

Luckily, I succeeded and the entire group benefited from my running. It was at this time that made me think, "maybe I should get back into shape." I mean, what if I hadn't been able to make it to the bar in time? All hell would have broken loose, that's what. The people I'm with probably would have left me at the game for letting them down.

I personally know about 20 people in Minnesota. Every single one of them have and ride a bike on a regular basis. It's weird. I've never seen a place so bicycle crazy as Minnesota. That being said, I hate bicycles. I really do. I hate them because bike riders find it necessary to take up the ENTIRE road even when 2000 pound automobiles where coming their way. What do they think is going to happen or who is going to win that game of chicken? That's right, me and my SUV are going to win. It's almost as if bike riders think they have the same rights on the road as automobiles do and we all know thats just silly.

I don't get why bikers get all pissy when you tell them that biking sucks. Besides the fact that they are probably in better shape and saving the earth by not polluting and saving money on gas.......shit, maybe bike riders ARE better than non-bikers.

I had to be careful writing the above statements about bikers and bike riding. I only have about 4 blog followers and they are all bike riders. If I fall down to only 2 followers, I'm pretty sure that Google suspends my account for being a crappy blogger. Without a bike, I've come to realized that I'm on the verge of being kicked out of my present social groups because I don't ride and I'm in need of some of exercise to lose some weight. I recently noticed that I'm not as svelte--(adjective meaning slender or suave)--as I used to be and need to get back to being a sexy animal. I can no longer look at it as there is just more Travis to love.

Soooo, I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to purchase a bicycle. I'm not going to be one of "those" bike riders with all the gear (helmet, shoes, gloves, biking shorts, spandex shirt, little mirror on my helmet to see behind me, water bottle) or one of "those" bikers that use the correct hand signals when turning or stopping either. Basically, this biking experience may kill me because I refuse to do it correctly. I guess I love living on the edge and being dangerous. I'm kinda like Jack Bauer from 24. Only better looking. And funnier. And probably a better telecom sales rep.

Another positive I came up with is that I could ride my bike home from the bar to avoid a DUI. Although, I make fun of those people that ride a bike to the bar now and I don't really want to be "the guy who rides his bike to the bar" and have people point and laugh at me.

(Does anyone else find it as funny as I do that I would even make "riding a bike to avoid a DUI" a positive point in me buying a bicycle? )

Anyway, I'll keep you posted on my biking experience. I guess the first step is actually purchasing one. I failed to deliver on the interviews I was going to conduct from my last blog entry, so we'll have to see if I fail at this one too.

Last note: I'm going to search the internet for some of that stuff that Floyd Landis was using to win the Tour de France (another reason I hate biking) so that I can be doing 50 mile bike rides by August.

If you don't know who Floyd Landis is, than you just read this last line and said, "what? thats stupid. I'm done reading his dumb blog entries."

Big Changes...HUGE, MASSIVE CHANGES

To Whom it May Concern:

Recently two people, Michelle* and Alex* (*their real names) told me, "Last weeks blog entry was positively awful and we like you less after we read it." I can't remember exactly, but it was something close to that.

Understandably, I was crushed. I cried when they weren't around and I even contemplated shutting down the blog all together. But I realized that wouldn't have been fair to the rest of the world just because these two obviously detest me and my random thoughts.

I started the blog because, 1) I was told that I didn't even know how to do it and 2)to post my random thoughts that I have on a daily basis. While I could do this on Facebook, I don't want to come across as one of "those" people that post stupid things on a daily........no, hourly.......basis.(little Johnny just took a big poop!!! Yay Johnny!!!!) Besides, all my stuff is grade A good material and I don't want to waste it on Facebook.

So, after literally minutes and minutes of internal debating(right brain won), I've decided to make a fundamental change to the blog. Of course, I'll always still be right with my viewpoints and you'll most likely be wrong, but I think I'm going to start interviewing other people and post the transcripts on the blog. Luckily, I know a lot of interesting people (such as the bartender from my favorite bar or the rather unattractive lady at the Subway I always stop at in Tomah Wisconsin whenever I travel) and I think that getting their points of view on actual, relevant topics would be interesting.

I'm thinking something like "What does a surgeon really think of Obama's healthcare plan" would go along nicely when paired with, "What does a homeless/un-insured person think of Obama's healthcare plan" I personally think it would be cool to get both viewpoints. Maybe, just maybe, I'll try to recruit a homeless man to have beers with myself and said surgeon at the surgeons rather nice house. I'm sure his wife won't mind a random homeless man sitting on her couch and I only know one surgeon, so I really hope he's up for this or my entire thought process will be blown to hell. Don't let me down, surgeon friend and surgeon friends wife. (side note: I'm actually laughing at the thought of me, some dirty homeless man and my surgeon friend sitting on his living room couch, drinking beers and chatting while his kids run around and his wife is making dinner. Just Priceless!!!)

Another interview that I think would be great is with the only two gay men that I personally know. These two are a riot and, frankly, I'm only really going to interview them to see if they will help me be a better dresser for work. Just kidding.......kinda. I would like to get their views on what it's like being gay in today's society. In my mind, I think that the stereotypes or racism (I have no idea what to call societies thoughts on gay men) are largely broken anymore, but I honestly have no idea and would like to get their perspective on it. As an added bonus, if you are on the fence about coming out of the closet (Ryan) you might find what they have to say useful in your decision. Also, I was shocked to find out that Anderson Cooper from CNN is gay. I really had no idea and was kind of disappointed because I always thought, "that guy has it all together. He's good looking,well spoken and I bet he pulls a lot of hot female ass." I guess the gay community wins this one. The score is now: Straight Community 270,000,000, Gay Community 15,787,674

This is going to take some time to get put together. It's not like there are homeless people just laying around with nothing to do but get interviewed..........what's that you say? Really? Well, I guess there ARE tons of homeless people with nothing to do but be a drain on society (I'm envisioning that line to be the surgeons comment, but we won't know until all three of us sit on his couch together!!!!). Since my girlfriend thinks that it's a good idea to book things for EVERY weekend from now until Thanksgiving, I'm not sure when I can put together one of these interviews. Hopefully in the next couple weeks or so. If anyone has any ideas for a good interview, certainly let me know via commenting here, text, email, Facebook, rented commercial billboard or smoke signals.

In the meantime, sit tight and I won't post anything else about watching TV......my favorite past time....I wouldn't want Michelle and Alex to be more disappointed with me. :-( (thats a frowny face guy representing me when Alex said "you suck" and then hit me with a baseball bat)

I made that last part up.

Toodles,
Travis

I CANT COME UP WITH A GOOD TITLE!!!!!

When I was a kid, I used to watch a lot of TV. I know.......shocker. I'm sure I'm no different than many of you all used to be. I loved the normal TV shows like Dukes of Hazzard, A-Team, Miami Vice (I had the Miami Vice jacket with the rolled up sleeves and, damn it, I was cool as hell). I liked the sitcoms like Alf, Punky Brewster, Facts of Life, Mr. Belvidere, Who's the Boss(Alyssa Milano was perhaps the hottest girl on 80's TV and dont even try to tell me otherwise)......I could go on and on but I'm sure nobody is paying attention anymore because you are all re-living your love of 80's sitcoms right now. I'm not sure if this is cool or sad, but I was pretty much able to name every show on the major TV channels for Monday thru Friday from 7 to 10pm. I know, I'm cooler than you were when I was a kid.

As much as I liked to watch "normal" TV, I LOVED to watch cartoons when I was a kid. I mean, who doesn't watch cartoons when they were a kid, right? Well, maybe all those Chinese kids making my comfortable tennis shoes, but let's not get into that issue right now. I was a big fan of The Flintstones, Scooby Doo, He-Man, The Smurfs and Rainbow Brite (screw you, I'm not afraid to admit it).

I bring all this pointless drivel (drivel means childish, silly, or meaningless talk or thinking nonsense----now you can use it in conversation tomorrow!!!)up because I was watching the Cartoon Network the other day and came away with one thought: THE CARTOONS TODAY SUCK ASS!!!!! Other than Spongebob Squarepants, they are all worthless crap. Seriously, here are some of the names I found on http://www.cartoonnetwork.com/: Generator Rex, Ben 10 Ultimate Alien and The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack. You know why kids are shooting each other in schools now? Because of this garbage. They are so disappointed in their cartoons, they have nothing better to do but go on shooting rampages*.

*I know, I'm being pretty short sighted (I questioned myself if this was the right adjective so I looked it up and according to dictionary.com short-sighted means: lacking in foresight: a shortsighted plan. Thank you Internet!!!!) looking into the minds of demented little freak kids, but there's got to be some truth to it.......

Anyway, I was actually thinking about some of my old cartoon favorites today in the car on my drive back from beautiful Marshfield WI. The more I thought about cartoons of the early 80's, I kept trying to equate them to todays world and, well, the result isn't pretty. Take, for instance, The Flintstones. In hindsight, it was just a hard working, big strong man with a bad temper who hated his job and boss and was married to an attractive, natural redhead (don't ask me how I know if she was a natural redhead, I just know. wink wink). Today, this kind of couple in a cartoon or TV show would never work anymore. It would be the equivalent of this:

Admit it, you wouldn't want to watch a cartoon or sitcom where John Goodman is married to Marisa Miller either!!!!!

I used to love Scooby Doo (and his wacky friends!!!) too. Back then, I never would have even thought about how much weed Shaggy and Scooby were smoking in the back of that van on a regular basis. Today, it's the only thing I think about when I see Shaggy on TV. Just last week, he was on the Todays Show and.....just kidding, Shaggy on the Todays Show would just be silly!!! The odd thing is that Shaggy was skinny like a beanpole. In todays world, we all know that this would never happen as Shaggy would be 400lbs from eating entire pizzas and whole boxes of twinkies from getting stones to bejesus on an hourly basis. Also, in todays world, there is no way the FCC would let the cartoon executives keep such an obvious lesbian on the air like the character that Velma portrayed. Take a look at this picture and just try to argue against my notion that she liked the ladies:

Completely obvious, right!!!!

And, if kids these days are smart enough to watch some show called, Ben 10 Ultimate Alien, they sure as shit are smart enought to figure out that Fred was TOTALLY hooking up with that slut Daphne. Just look at her with her little mini-skirt, long flowing hair, plump lips and perky breasts.......Yikes, perhaps I need to see a shrink because I just realized I may have had quite a crush on Daphne!!!

Finally, and this is where I might lose some of you due to boredom or the fact that you think I'm a complete moron, but I was a big Smurfs fan. I was actually a Smurf for Halloween one year. I tried to find a picture of how "neat" I looked, but gave up after searching for 3 seconds on Google. Anyway, I've always wondered something about The Smurfs: HOW MANY OF THE MALE SMURFS DID SMURFETTE HOOK UP WITH!?!?!!?!? I mean, there was ONE female smurf for all those males smurfs!!!! She had her pick of the entire village at any given time. This is like being the only hot girl in an office of nerdy engineers or accountants. She just knows she can play them all like a fiddle and get anything she wants. (sorry to any accountant or engineers out there, I'm sure you can all pull mad ass on a regular basis and if you can't, it will be our little secret ;-) ). Anywho, the Smurfs would never make it in todays world. Some crazy, conservative female activist group would NEVER allow a show with all men and only one woman on it. I think this is sad because every smart man knows that Smurfette was really running that place due to being the only one with a nice set of breasts but these women activists groups choose to ignore this fact completely. Just sad.

Ugh, I just re-read that last paragraph and I think I might need some professional help. Oh well.

In closing, it's been a week since my last blog posting due to the long Memorial Day weekend and from the emails/texts and comments I'm getting it would seem like the world was coming to an end!!!! It's nice to know that I make your day!!!

EAT BERTHA'S MUSSELS!!!!

Two things happened this week that made me extremely happy:

First thing: This is a double whammy in a good way---American Idol is over and Simon Cowell is no longer going to be in the mainstream TV circuit for a while. I hate this guy. One might think that it's because he's a condescending, arrogant, elitist, jerk, smug, mean, pompous, boorish, English (that's right, I went there) and just a downright awful person.......and if you thought that, you would be wrong. I hate him because he looks like this:




The guy is a complete and utter tool. He's worth, like, a gazillion dollars and that's the best haircut he can come up with??? Seriously? He looks like he gets his hair cut at Supercuts (I didn't go with Great Clips because they are decent in a pinch) or tried to cut it himself, which is never a good thing to try. Just trust me. Please.

Simon also has some kind of fetish with not buttoning up his shirt all the way and revealing a lot of chest hair. Side note: The only person that I think can successfully pull this look off right now, besides me, is Bradley Cooper. He's my new man-crush, replacing George Clooney. After The Hangover, I knew it was time to switch it up. My only concern, and it's a big one, is that he's dating Renee Zellweger. He can do sooooooooooo (deep breath)0000000000 much better than RENEE ZELLWEGER. At least Clooney only dates/sleeps with hot women. My hope is that Cooper is only using her for some kind of career advantage. Although, I'm not sure what she could possibly bring to the table. Of course, she did also sleep with my other man-idol, Kenny Chesney, so maybe she's good at a lot of things I don't know about. I'm talking about in the bedroom, in case you were wondering what I meant. I know you were all thinking the same thing, too. Don't pretend like you weren't.

I can't believe I just spent the last 2 minutes writing about my man-crush on Bradley Cooper.

Where was I.....oh ya, my deep hatred of American Idol and Simon Cowell. Now that SC is done with the show, and the ratings have plummeted in recent years, and they haven't put out a good "idol" since Carrie Underwood....what's the point of this show? I guess this goes with my "I hate 99.9999% of all reality TV shows" mantra. Until February of this year(oddly coinciding with my move to Minneapolis....hhhhmmmm) I never watched any reality TV show. I think they are dumb and boring. I don't want to watch someone else's real life when mine is good enough to blog about.

There are only a few good/watchable reality shows on TV: Amazing Race, Dego Housewives of New Jersey* and Dego's living together in a beach house in New Jersey*. Amazing Race is great because it would be completely bad ass to go around the world and try to do those things without actually, physically killing your significant other in the process. Housewives is only good because it's a COMPLETE train wreck of women hating each other. These women are either 1)crazy or 2)stupid. It's just completely mind boggling how I keep watching it and how it stays on the air. Talk about OPP!!!!(other peoples problems--thank you Naughty by Nature) Jersey Shore is an entire blog posting all together and I'm not going there today.

*not the real name of the show. Dego is slang for "smelly, dirty, greasy Italian" which most of the women and men on these shows are.


I tried to watch The Bachelorette, but I couldn't get past the guys interviews at the beginning of the show. Be honest, if you had a guy friend that was on that show and he came across as a complete dumbass/idiot in the interview process on national TV, wouldn't you cross him off your "friends" list immediately? Yet, apparently, this must be popular with the ladies because this is about the 37th season it's been on the air.

The second thing that made my week: As I've mentioned before, I have a thing for funny billboards and bumper stickers. On my way home from Madison (which, as usual, did not disappoint) I saw a little green POS car with a bumper sticker that simply said, "EAT BERTHA'S MUSSELS". That's it. No address. No phone number. No picture. Nothing. I was both laughing and sad at the same time. Who the hell is Bertha and why are HER mussels soooo good that they have their own bumper sticker? I Googled it (I have a little free time at work, so sue me) and came to find out that it's a bar/restaraunt in Baltimore Maryland. It actually heralds itself as being famous for this bumper sticker. Who would have thought.....

You are all a little dumber for having just read that last paragraph. You're welcome.

HAVE A GREAT LONG MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND!!! GO CUBS AND BLACKHAWKS!!!!!

Weather Schmeather....

I moved to Minneapolis in February of this year after having "visited" for the previous 16 months. I've seen a couple winters, a summer, fall and spring.....basically, I consider myself an expert on the weather in Minnesota. I mean, what's not to know: a little snow, a little cold, a little wind, some frostbite on the testes when walking the dog, a towed car due to being on the wrong side of the street.....

Also, if you've seen the weather people on the nightly news here, you would understand that the hiring process goes like this: 1) Interview a monkey who barely speaks English and eats flea's off his fur or 2)Interview a poorly dressed guy who makes extremely awkward small talk. Then, they negotiate between the two to see who will take the lower salary AND THATS HOW THEY PICK THEIR WEATHER PEOPLE HERE.

Anyway, back to this "awful" spring weather I was supposed to be anticipating. When I moved here, I was told to expect an awful spring with the possibility of snow up to and including, May. I heard the phrase, "I guarantee that it will snow during the NCAA tournament"...I heard, "you'll never be able to go naked sunbathing during April". In all actuality, here is what Minnesota has looked like since the end of January:

I've actually heard or read these comments this spring:

A. "95 degrees in May in Minnesota. Whats going on here!!!"
B. "I'm sitting on the porch drinking scotch and smoking a cigar. Spring in Minnesota"

C. "OMG. It's sooo nice in Minnesota in spring. LOL. TTYL"

D. "Travis, you make spring in Minnesota feel like a massage from a Swedish bikini model"

E. "F*ck, it's hot out there. I'm done going outside for the day."

Only one of these are made up. Seriously.

Of course, it's "C".....nobody uses OMG and TTYL in the same sentence anymore. Duh. (who came up with the saying "Duh"? real genius, there. however, it does sound a lot better saying it than writing it on a very awesome blog."

"E" is what my dog said to me yesterday...I think. For some reason she's speaking in French and I don't speak French. One of us is going to have to change and she usually wins.

I don't want to jump to conclusions, but, awful springs when Travis doesn't live here.....amazing springs when Travis does live here. I'm just saying.....

Here is proof that, as all Minnesotans think, God loves Minnesota more than other places: The Twins opened a new outdoor baseball stadium this spring. I know, most sane people would think, "AN OPEN AIR STADIUM?!?!!? ARE YOU FREAKING CRAZY??? THIS IS MINNESOTA AND IT SNOWS IN MAY AND AUGUST" but they went ahead and built a non-retractable roof stadium anyway. However, God gave them an extremely beautiful stadium (nicest I've ever been too, with Busch stadium a very very close second). A first place team and only ONE cancelled game....due to rain. No snow outs or games cancelled due to a blizzard, like one would have expected.

It's either God loves the great people of Minnesota, or he's got a sinister side and thinks, "Let them enjoy their outdoor spring baseball because they'll never be playing in October again."

I'm pretty sure that's his thought process with Cubs fans.....Why do you mock us Cubs fans, God? Why?

Finally, I'm traveling to the great Wisconsin cities of Appleton, Fond du lac and Madison the next couple days for work. Here is a fun fact of trivia for everyone: Travis has never been drunk in two of these cities before. Can you name which two? (hint: it's not Madison, which I can barely remember because it's the best Big Ten city on the planet and they basically implant an IV of alcohol in your arm when you enter the city for a football game).

I'm back....calm down, folks. The rioting can stop.

I like TV. No, I love TV----commercials, infomercials, cartoons......It's always been there for me when others haven't. It never complains about me picking up clothes or that I drink too much or that I'm too awesome. It's just there. Even now that I probably spend more time on the internet "researching" things, I still do it while in front of the TV.

With that said, I hate all the cop drama shows on TV. Which normally wouldn't be an issue(I hate lots of stuff) except that there are no less than 97 cop shows on TV at any given time. I do need to clarify that I like REAL cop shows that discuss current or past cases. If you haven't seen Gangland, you're really missing out on a good show. By now, you may be thinking, "Where the hell is this going?".......JUST HOLD YOUR HORSES, I'M GETTING THERE. (hold your horses--what the hell does that even mean....)

I always think it's funny when they show a real suspect/gang member/undercover FBI agent/Witness Protection Plan person and they try to blur out their face so that someone who really wants to kill them won't know who it is......I mean, C'MON. Most of the times it's sooooo obvious who the person is behind that dark circle. I can just imagine a bunch of thug gangbangers sitting back and saying, "That's obviously that punk snitch Reggie. Let's go burn down his mothers house and then go get some 40'os of cheap beer." (I don't need any comments on my obvious stereotyping either).

I liken this to when I read some article in a magazine or paper (yes, I read. Don't act so surprised) and they post something crazy/awful/embarrassing about someone and then use a fake name and put an asterick behind the name and say "not their real name". Well, noooo shit. Once, just once, I wish someone would write, "*for the record, this is their actual name. I know, they are stupid for sleeping with their cousin and you should sever all ties with this person. His name is Jon Smith and he lives at 135 Ivy Court". Actually, this is absolutely nothing like blurring out the face on a TV show, but it's my blog and I can write whatever I want.

Back to wonderful TV........I hate Drew Carey hosting the Price is Right, too. Nothing much to add here, just that he's absolutely awful and I'm going to chose NOT to spay or neuter my pets now just because he tells me too.

I am really tired of all the sexual enhancement drug commercials. I don't have an issue with the drugs, it's the commercials that royally suck (Keep making the drugs---I'm pushing 34 and don't know how much longer I can be a porn star in bed). I don't know about you, but I've never been aroused by sitting in separate bathtubs on the beach at dusk. Frankly, I think that's a little creepy. Imagine saying or hearing, "Honey, I'm horny. Lets go sit in the separate bathtubs I put on the beach." You may be hearing from a divorce attorney pretty soon if that's your idea of turning on your significant other.

The drug commercials that show old men having to pee all the time suck too. These drug companies basically PRINT money and this is the best crap their high priced marketing companies can come up with??? I actually tried to come up with a commercial in my head about old men not having to pee so much, but I couldn't. The I went and showered for 45 minutes to get the grossness off of me.

Finally, I love infomercials. People always find this weird and I can't really pinpoint WHY I love infomercials. I mean, the only time they are on is REALLY early or REALLY late which means I'm only watching them because I'm either up late from drinking or up super early because my precious dog had to go outside at 3:30 and I couldn't fall back asleep. Maybe I like them because their sole job is to make my life easier or better (which would be hard because my life is pretty awesome) . From the cleaning tools to the devices that make your cooking life turn from crappy to amazing, they are great. The best ones are the workout infomercials. I'm not going to lie----I have 4% body fat and don't really need to work out. Really, I only watch them because they put amazingly hot women in the infomercials. I'm convinced it's not the fatties that are/should be watching the work out infomercials, it's the guys who are up because they just got home from the bar and turned on the TV.

I guess I could go further and assume it's the ugly guys who just got home from the bar because, obviously, if they had any game they wouldn't be coming home alone and watching hot girls on work out infomercials........now I feel like a loser for watching work out infomercials. Great. Just great.